Can we please stop gaslighting women’s needs to have their own life

Oct 20

Hi there!

In the mood for an important rant? Me too.

My letter to you today is a flashlight in the dark, looking for the Part of you that has had to hide underneath your life. I want to find her.

The part of you who has started to notice:

“I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

Have you said that to yourself lately, [FIRST NAME GOES HERE]?

Many of our clients plonk themselves on our couch, exhale deeply and say this out loud (often after long chats about burnout and exhaustion).

They’re put together. They’re busy. They’re juggling all the things.

But we know that often, the people who look like they’re coping are the ones who’ve quietly lost touch with themselves.

Coping and ‘doing’ become priority #1, and then you, your feelings, your Inner World become… #147?

Here at my private practice, my team of therapists and I are champions of creating space and giving attention to your Inner World.

This is why I write to you. And this is why I’m pretty ropeable; I need to do this.

Because I think it’s such a tragedy that so many women’s brilliant lives are corralled by serving others, worrying about what people will think if they say no, or feeling unable to ask for what they want.

The hours of your life lost trying to make space for yourself without being called selfish, a dreamer, precious, or accused of asking for ‘too much’.

Maybe it's the Australian version of Tall Poppy Syndrome, but the women's edition?

For our international readers, Tall Poppy Syndrome is an Australian cultural habit of cutting people down to size when they dare to grow taller, dream bigger or stand out from the crowd.

And I wonder how often women experience their own version of this. Every time we express a need, an ambition or a desire for something different, out come the garden shears.

SNIP! ✂️

“Don’t be ridiculous.” SNIP! ✂️

“Other women seem happy.” SNIP! ✂️

“No one is actually happy?! That’s so childlike to say.” SNIP! ✂️

“Other husbands come home at 10 every night; why are you complaining?” SNIP! ✂️

“You're not seriously leaving him now are you? You won’t find another partner in time to have kids” SNIP! ✂️

“Why do you want to put your kids in daycare? So you can sit around and watch TV all day?” SNIP! ✂️

“Why would you bother writing these newsletters? Just get ChatGPT to do it because no one’s reading them anyway.” SNIP! ✂️

It's something women have been talking to me about in sessions for years.

And yet, it still feels like a secret conversation happening between women, behind closed doors. So many of us are quietly wondering how to find some reprieve in the lives that have been built around us.

Sometimes with our own nails and hammer, too.

At times, it can feel like you’re a rabbit cornered into a dead-end road in a new but soulless suburb, with no clear way out or way to change anything.

And then all your neighbours think you’re weird for not loving the life you’re in and can't just 'Be happy.'

Do you feel like that lately too, [FIRST NAME GOES HERE]?

Perhaps the rabbit in the dead end speaks to your bones. And perhaps you've never quite known how to explain that feeling to anyone.

My job as a writer and therapist is to try to put words to experiences and feelings that you often don’t have words for.

That’s often how therapy goes, too.

You might come to a session with a feeling or chapter of life you haven’t quite found words for yet.

You might say, “I don’t know where to start today, but something’s not… right?”

These are the sessions where you have the time to bring forth the unspoken toy box of confusion, tip it out, and build a castle with it, or whatever shape it wants to form.

We’re here to say, “Hey, you know that hidden part of you? That’s the part of you we’re most interested in. It’s deeply important, not silly.”

We want to be a refuge and cocoon for those sacred, often lost parts. Let’s find words together.

With your therapist, you begin to find what you’re trying to say. And when it lands, something meaningful clicks into place.

Your experiences begin to make sense. Things feel more spacious, clearer, and new pathways forward begin to emerge.

Your shoulders drop. You back your feelings rather than doubting them. You begin to see what conversations you need to have, and how.

From the mental jumble to the unsaid feelings, finding the words gives a voice to the part of you that has been sitting beside you for a long time with the adult version of:

“Will you play with me?”

And the adult version is:

“Will you figure this out with me?

Will you listen to me?

I feel confused. Can you help me?”

My answer to that part is YES, and I hope yours will be too.